


Gaze Not Into My Eyes

by nacre



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I just really like messing with Pearl okay, I love her to death and that's why I write fics where she's endlessly knocked around, I'll add more characters in tags as they appear, Pearl-centric (Steven Universe)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23810242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nacre/pseuds/nacre
Summary: Pearl has had an issue with headaches since she was made, and she's a professional at ignoring them. She's never known the source of them, or why they happen randomly, but she'll get to the bottom of it sooner than she thinks.
Relationships: Pearl & Pink Diamond (Steven Universe), Pearl & Steven Universe, Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 88





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title is from "Look not into my eyes, for fear" by A.E. Housman!
> 
> This chapter was beta'd by my wonderful friend [Florentine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florentine/pseuds/Florentine). Thanks for reading it lad!

She was created to be the perfect doll.

In her grand radiance, White Diamond had a Pearl commissioned from the Reef soon after Pink Diamond’s latest fit, which ended in extensive damage to her first Pearl and left her needing a new one.

That day, the poor thing was brought to her in Pink’s arms, wailing and whimpering and clutching her gem, glitching frequently. Pink _begged_ White to heal her, crying about how it had all been an accident, she was just angry, she didn’t mean to—and yet, after countless reprimands from past spats and tantrums, Pink refused to correct her erratic behaviour time and time again, and finally she had tipped over to the point of no return.

As punishment, the leader of Homeworld sought to teach Pink to stay in line, taking the damaged Pearl under her own wing to make a lasting statement to the younger Diamond.

After 500 years in isolation, Pink was ready to have her duties resumed and have a new Pearl created. The other Diamonds took notice in Pink’s changed mood, their youngest having become more somber and less enthusiastic about goofing around. To White, this was good, and a model improvement from Pink’s old habits.

White ensured that the Pearl was up to her radiant standards, made to order with perfection, obedience, and rationality, modeled after herself to keep Pink in line. A forehead gem, for level headedness; bright colors to reflect all of the Diamonds’ radiances and influence; all built from a perfect blank slate that knew nothing but to obey and make Pink happy again.

She needed to keep a close eye on Pink from this point forward. To prevent such hiccups again, White commissioned the Pearl with a few adjustments. Pink would not convince her Pearl to be anything but a Pearl again.


	2. Thump, Thump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl was created for the lustrous Pink Diamond, and intended to do her job well. The headaches, though, were not part of the job description.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again beta'd by [Flor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florentine/pseuds/Florentine)! Enjoy!

If one asked around the Palace, gems would say she was just another thing for Pink to break, another pawn in this little game of hers, another toy to be tossed around and sedate her tantrums until she cracked. Pink Diamond’s new Pearl didn’t understand where such rumors originated about her Diamond, but Pearl knew her job and stuck to it like she was supposed to. _Make Pink Diamond happy._

Pearl thought she did her job exceptionally well. She was a young gem, a proud product of the Reef's Era One batch of Diamond Pearls. Being custom made for Homeworld's most radiant meant she was expected to be in tip top shape, no strand of hair out of line. As Pink's Pearl, she was always on her feet and more often than not, standing around while her Diamond was in meetings or just bored in her room. Pearl tried to alleviate her Diamond's boredom where she could, singing or performing for her. It was part of the order that Nacre had given her, after all. Pearl was not going to let herself slip.

It was a few hundred years into service, she believed, where she noticed a particular pressure in her gem. Curious and a bit alarmed, she requested a mirror from the Pebbles to inspect her gem herself—she couldn’t get caught with a cracked gem, else Pink took time out of her schedule to take her to the Reef. She didn’t want to be a burden on her Diamond like that. She had to perform exceptionally at all times.

When Pearl brought the mirror to her eye level, it gave back to her an image she never truly saw before then: herself, her peach hair curling against her porcelain cheeks in a way she almost found pretty. Pearls, she knew, were made to be beautiful, and that beauty was only outmatched by the Diamonds in all their radiance themselves. Her eyes trailed to her nose, perfectly pointed and apt for her face, and her cheeks were flushed with a slight teal. Her mouth curved in the slightest curious gaze. She was definitely fit for a Diamond.

Pearl brought the mirror up close then, taking a good amount of time to look at the stone on her forehead. Smooth, perfectly ovular, iridescent and shining with all colours of the rainbow if one looked closely. But no cracks, not even any scratches, marred its surface.

The mirror showed nothing out of the ordinary, which caused even more confusion in the Pearl. She raised her hand and gently tapped the surface of it to test if the pressure would get worse.

_If there was enough pressure already, then surely adding more would make the feeling worse, and I would have a step forward in sourcing the issue._

When the pain alleviated at her touch, she was momentarily confused. At the moment’s notice, though, she heard her Diamond’s footsteps come down the hall, presumably finished with her meeting with White. She shrugged off the mysterious condition, determined to find a solution later, and stood to return to her Diamond’s side.

As soon as Pink opened the door, Pearl was met with her Diamond’s teary face. She looked a wreck, her teary face complimented by messy hair and a slight slouch. This would not do.

“My Diamond? If I may, was your meeting with White Diamond successful?”

Pink looked down at the sound of her Pearl’s voice, and softened. “It was a disaster! I’ve gone through so many years trying to be a perfect Diamond when I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. All I’m asking for is one colony, one chance at proving that I fit the role, yet Blue and Yellow and White refuse to listen to me! How am I supposed to be a Diamond when they won’t even give me the chance to do it?”

Pearl watched as Pink paced around the room in her small rant, ending it with a punctuated _fwump_ onto a Pebble constructed chair, rubbing her head in annoyance.

“Would you like me to sing for you, my Diamond? Or perhaps dance?” Pearl asked, hands clasped together and stood up straight, hoping to bring some sort of calm back to her Diamond’s features. Pink Diamond shook her head.

“I think I just need some time to think. But thank you, Pearl.”

-

Years went by, lending way to a few minor reports of the ache happening again. They occurred in short bursts, sometimes longer, and they never followed a set pattern. Trying to pinpoint one had been futile, and Pearl was even more confused by these findings.

_Surely there’d at least be a pattern? What kind of gemache is this, with no rhyme or reason to it?_

It happened again while Pink was going on about something to her guards. It started as a dull feeling in the back of her gem, slowly creeping its way into the forefront while increasing in pressure. It wasn’t painful _all_ the time, she could ignore it well enough, but when dealing with the constant feeling when she was supposed to be focusing on top of Pink’s depressed behaviour, it was harder to handle. She allowed herself no hiccups in her job. She didn’t want this to be the thing that got her in trouble—or worse, shattered—so early on.

Pearl had only heard rumors of her predecessor, now essentially a lifeless statue under the will of White Diamond. Whatever happened to her to make her such a foreboding presence was not known to Pearl, and frankly, she preferred to keep it that way. She felt bad for the gem, being scarred in such a way where she was, to Pearl’s guess, shocked into obedience for good.

She did not want to end up in a similar fate. The headaches would have to go undetected until she figured out a solution.

-

Pink noticed the next time. Pearl was handling some reports on her holo screen when it hit again, this time going straight into mild pain. She gasped, squeezing her eyes shut for just a moment, but the noise was enough to alert her Diamond.

“Pearl?”

 _Shards_ , she’d been caught. She looked up and gave a forced smile. “Yes, my Diamond?”

“Is everything okay? I heard you make a noise.”

Pearl stared for a moment. Her Diamond sounded worried about her. She’d expected more of a reprimand for bringing notice to herself like this, especially from a Diamond.

Pearl opened her mouth to reassure her that yes, she was fine, but no sooner had she opened her mouth did she stumble on her words again in an airy whimper as the pressure in her gem spiked fast.

“Pearl, should we go to the Reef? You sound like you’re in pain…”

“I’m perfectly alright, my Diamond!” she said, putting on her most convincing smile as the pain became steady but constant.

Her luck didn’t last. Pink questioned her again and the pain in her gem settled right behind it causing her to grab at it with a gasp. The holoscreen she was holding dropped to the floor.

“Pearl!” Pink rushed to Pearl’s side as she clutched at her gem, her eyes closed tightly.

“I’m _fine_ , my Diamond, I can assure you—”

“Nonsense, let’s make a trip to the Reef. You don’t deserve to be in pain like this.”

Pearl was surprised by her Diamond's sense of care for her, and she nodded her head. The pain grew briefly, and she whimpered, but she led her Diamond to the warp without issue, headed off to the Reef.

Once in the warp stream, the ache behind her gem settled into more of a relaxed ache instead of the pain she was feeling prior. Her Diamond occasionally looked to her, presumably searching for any sign of damage like she herself had done before.

“Pearl, has there been any chance of you damaging your gem recently?” Pink asked, mulling over how to approach the subject once at the facility.

“No, my Diamond. My gem has been in prime condition.”

“I wonder what could be causing this then… maybe there’s a fault in your coding somewhere? Is there a way to check such a thing?”

Pearl was at a loss at this. A fault in her code? Surely if that was the case Shell would have her fixed. If it wasn’t able to be fixed, she didn’t want to know how to proceed from there. She didn’t want to be faulty, she never asked for a malfunctioning gemstone.

She decided on a simple, “No, my Diamond, I’m unable to check my own programming for faults.”

The two arrived at the Reef fairly quickly. Pearl’s gem was at a tolerable level of pain, as she stepped off the warp pad and made her way over to the console in the middle of the room with her Diamond. Pink placed her hand on the center of it, activating the facility.

_“Welcome, Pink Diamond. I am Shell, your guide to the Reef.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on a relatively weekly upload schedule, depending on if I can get enough chapters done ahead of time. Thanks for reading!


	3. fit for a diamond?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink and Pearl visit the Reef.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by the lovely [Apple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_big_apple/pseuds/a_big_apple) tonight!

Pink was endlessly fascinated by the Reef every time she visited. While most of the reasons she ended up here were due to hurt and destruction, not unlike now, she could always appreciate the endless wonder the facility brought to her. The nacreous walls, the floor that looked as though it carried a thousand shimmering nebulae, and of course, the design. Modeled after the very planet it resided on, the Reef allowed salt water to flow throughout its confines and illuminate the structure. The doors were shaped after shells that resided in the planet’s oceans, and gave the Reef’s system A.I. its name.

Pearls were made in batches, through one of the glistening doors to the right of the podium. Pink had never been inside the room before; when her first Pearl was made she wasn’t allowed in the facility at all, and when her second was made, she was still in that gemforsaken tower, waiting for the others to release her.

She stole a glance back down at her Pearl, who was waiting silently with her hands together and her eyebrows pinched slightly. No time to waste, then.

“Hello, Shell. I was wondering if you could take a look at my Pearl’s gemstone,” Pink began, “she’s been having some headaches and I don’t know the cause.”

_“Understood. Please follow the illuminated path to the Care Center.”_

Pearl was silently watching the interaction; she hadn’t been to the Reef since her creation, and this whole process unfolding before her was fascinating. She was programmed to know the function of the facility, of course, but the interaction involved was quite surprising.

Pink stepped forward and looked back to Pearl. “Pearl, come.”

“Yes, my Diamond.”

Both set off to the door that Shell guided them to, which opened up to reveal a masterful collection of accessories for Gems to take for their Pearls. Pearl’s eyes lit up at the sight of everything lining the walls.

_“Please feel free to take your time looking through the latest offerings in accessories and appearance modifiers as we make our way to the Care Center.”_

Pink was walking briskly through the hall, not intent on stopping until they got to the Care Center’s door.

Pearl was about to request if she could explore the area, as the things decorating the hall were beautiful, and she wanted a chance to try a thing or two out for herself. But as soon as she was about to ask, her Diamond spoke again.

“We’re here. Let's go, Pearl.”

The way in which Pink had dismissed Pearl suggested that perhaps her Diamond didn’t want to be here… but how was Pearl to know the true reason? She withheld her question and carried on, reaching the Care Center.

_“Welcome to the Care Center. We have everything here to update or repair any Pearl.”_

The room was big, with a simple repair pad in the middle of it and ceilings as tall as Diamonds. The walls had a swirled pattern shining on them, and the floor looked like pure, iridescent water that one could dip their feet into. Pearl made her way over and stepped foot on the pad.

_“Scanning in progress.”_

Just after the voice activation, a circular scanner ran from the bottom up, checking for any damage. Pearl felt a small increase in pressure behind her gem as the scanner passed over her head, but stayed unmoving to let Shell do her job.

Pink stepped forward. “Well?”

_“I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do.”_

Pearl shot her head up towards the ceiling at this. _What does she mean, ‘nothing she can do’?_

Thankfully, Pink asked for her. “How do you mean?”

_“Her pearl is perfectly fine. This injury is in no part manifesting due to any gemstone damage.”_

Pink and Pearl both did not like this answer, as it meant that Pearl’s condition was unfixable, and Pink could not go on with another broken Pearl. She started to get worried, not wanting to face White so soon after being gifted the poor thing. She stepped forward.

“Is there any way I can fix it? I-It’s causing a decrease in work performance, and we can’t just leave it alone.”

 _A decrease in work performance?_ Had Pink noticed so quickly that she was impacted like this so much before? Pearl started to panic, as an inefficient Pearl was as good as shattered.

_“Further troubleshooting can be achieved via rejuvenation, decommissioning, or harvesting. Would you like to proceed with one of these options?”_

“NO!” Pink boomed, the room shaking slightly, with her own panic coursing through her at the thought of losing yet another Pearl. She would not have such a thing.

Pearl, too, was now struck with fear. At Pink’s sudden rejection of the things Shell had suggested, she had faith she would not be harmed, though the mere thought of being rid of so early in her life was a thought she didn’t want to ponder any longer than she already had.

Pink continued. “No, I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Thank you, Shell.”

_“Understood. Thank you for visiting the Reef. Please follow the illuminated path to make your way back to the Lobby.”_

“Come on, Pearl. We’ll have to figure something else out.”

-

The pair arrived back in Pink’s room, Pink clearly frustrated at the ordeal in the Reef. Now, without any other options, Pink and Pearl were both at a loss. The Reef was out of the question, and it wasn’t like they could just magically heal Pearl’s gem.

Pearl knew her Diamond was frustrated; after all, a malfunctioning Pearl was not fit for a Diamond’s service. But clearly Pink didn’t want to be rid of her. Pearl needed to think of another solution.

“My Diamond?” She asked.

“Yes, Pearl? What is it?”

“I wanted to offer a suggestion…”

Pink’s eyes lit up at this. “Go on?”

“Why don’t we go to the other Diamonds and ask if they know how to help?”

Instantly, her Diamond’s demeanor changed. She got down to Pearl’s level with a fire ignited in her eyes.

“We will not be going to them,” Pink began, “they don’t treat Pearls right.”

 _Now what in the world did_ that _mean?_

A Pearl was meant to serve, do her owner’s bidding, and to stand silently showing off how brilliant and radiant the gem she belonged to was. In her opinion, the other Diamonds treated their Pearls very well, even though Pearl had only met the others a handful of times. They seemed well off enough, and as a Pearl herself, she took pride in the role given to her.

So why did her Diamond not think the same?

“My Diamond, from what I have observed, we are treated as well as we should be, as dictated by our role and status. You have been very kind to me, and for that, I am most grateful.”

Pink sighed, but smiled all the same. “I suppose. I don’t trust the others to handle such a delicate matter properly… we’ll figure something out.”

“Yes, my Diamond.”

-

The next few decades saw Pearl in and out of feeling the familiar pressure in her gem, being quite used to it now. Her Diamond had decided to go to the garden to play with the Spinel she was gifted, finding herself bored with palace life once again. She instructed Pearl in no uncertain terms that she was to stay in Pink’s room until she got back, due to her gem’s strange condition.

And oh how bored Pearl became. Just a month into Pink’s absence, she ran out of reports to go over for Pink, she ran out of engagements to schedule, and the Pebbles didn’t want to play (not that she blamed them) . There was nothing left to do, and Pink had said she’d only be a small while. Pearl wasn’t sure if this counted as a “small while.”

Pearl felt, for the first time in her life, unsatisfied with her role.

Not a second after such a thought crossed her mind did another headache come forward. This time, instead of settling for a mild discomfort, it spread in waves, bringing along an agonizing throb that brought her to her knees with a cry.

Now this was definitely out of the ordinary. Pearl put both of her hands against her forehead in an effort to will the pain away; however, it seemed to just get worse. She curled in on herself more, whimpering as she felt wave after wave of pain emanate from her gem.

There was a shuffle against the floor, and she looked up to see her holo-pad a few inches from where she sat, seemingly put there by the Pebbles. She debated on getting a hold of her Diamond, but despite all the pain she was experiencing, she didn’t want to take Pink’s time away from her Spinel for something she couldn’t aid with anyway. The two hadn't yet found a solution to keep the pain at bay, but Pearl never expected the headaches to get more intense in the first place.

Another few minutes passed with Pearl grasping her gem, waiting for the throbbing to subside. Once it seemed over, Pearl stood and retrieved her holo-pad. Her head still ached, more than it had compared to past instances. But at least she wasn’t on the ground in agony anymore.

Pink returned another week later, looking joyous yet tired, and she immediately requested the Pebbles make a cushion she could lay on after greeting Pearl. Pearl decided not to bring up her headache.

She resumed her post next to her Diamond, stealing a quick glance at the looming white structure across the Palace courtyard before returning her attention to her Diamond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, as always! <3


End file.
